When I finally was able to put to words my first blog, I wanted to be diligent and continue even if only one person read it or found solace in it. So here I am, pondering again… What in the world do I want to share? Do I have anything worthy of sharing that doesn’t sound like a complete freak show? Well, maybe not but I am going to give it another go…. With soooo much always going on in my head and my life these days, I honestly struggled to decided just which topic of discussion I felt I could dig into this time around. Since I have found myself mostly wanting to cry or scream recently, I thought I’d just roll with that, so here it goes….

Lately I have felt like the world is out to get me, which I am positive that is a figment of my imagination, and I have even worried that my juju has been zapped or something. Then it occurred to me…my juju is just fine…I live daily reminding myself to (I am going to sound like a Tim McGraw song here) always be humble and kind. I think that it may be very easy to forgot those two very simple rules of life but it is something I remind myself to be every day. Lately I have felt myself feeling sorry for myself and wallering around in self pity and fear. Then it hit me…..is my house (not my physical house but my “life” per say) in order? Do I lie, cheat or treat people unfairly? NOPE not me! This I can say without a shadow of doubt!!! I fight harder than anyone for the people I love and the things that are important to me. It made me start thinking….WHY is it that life is always either spun out or upside down? Yes, as I go on with this blog stuff, you will see that I often speak in “dirt track lingo”—can’t help it, try to decipher and if you can’t, just ask, I will gladly try to explain lol. It may have something to do with the family racing bug, the fact that I fell in love with a man who shares or shared the same passion for the sport as myself, or who knows, maybe I just don’t know any better. lol But it has occurred to me as of this weekend that maybe some of this stress and drama might stem back to these facts. Why this weekend you might ask? Well….I decided that for some reason or another that it was time for me to face a demon that has been looming around our home for almost two years now. This is where that damn dirt track stuff comes back into play. I basically forced my “little” to make our first trip to a place we were lucky enough to call home for a very long time, for the first time since shutting off the lights last season. WOW!! talk about tough? yup, and then some…We stayed all of about 40 minutes and decided that now probably isn’t the time to wrestle that demon!! So unbeknownst to me that brief trip helped me open up some closed doors that I had nailed shut and hide behind for the past little while. I am the QUEEN of brushing things under the rug, if it makes me uneasy or if I think I will ruffle feathers, I will for sure try to hide it under the proverbial rug!! So harboring those dirt track demons for so long has taken way more out of me than even I would like to admit to, but it also allowed me to dig pretty deep the past 24 hours and take a look at what allowed those demons to continue to prey on me. I’ve been told that possibly this infamous dirt track may have defined us or who we were as people, a couple or even an entire family. I call bullshit!!! We loved her like she was our own, like she was family. We gave up a ton of life to “throw a weekly party” for an entire “community” when nine times out of ten that same “community” didn’t show us much love in return! But we loved what we did and I feel that it showed through the programs that we put out. It did not however define us as a couple, people or anything of the such,if anything it defined our love for the old girl, PERIOD!! Now, this really isn’t about our leaving the track or anything like that, I truly do have a point with all of this….

I have finally realized that there is always going to be painful events in life. Events that will change our entire world. These moments may change us somewhat, but they will make us stronger, wiser, more patient, and more open to new life opportunities, if we choose to move forward and not get stuck in the what if’s or bogged down with haunting pasts. We do not have to become angry and bitter over these moments!! I believe that harboring bitterness will never allow you to soar, so it is a practice of mine, to try to face bitterness and not actually sweep it under the rug. (as of just recently, my rug sweepin under days are done!!! I will no longer be brushing important things under any rug…like it or not, I will face them head on!) Point of this long winded story?—-When life throws you curve balls and you feel like you have done everything you can to right any wrongs…CRY, SCREAM, do whatever it takes to let it out…then straighten out that crown, stand tall and move forward…….or make like a pineapple as I like to tell Lindsay–“Stand tall, wear a crown and be sweet on the inside!” Do not ever allow yourself to get bogged down by the past, always always move forward….Thank you for taking the time to read this…..Nothing but love to you all!!!!!

I’ve always enjoyed writing and in the past I’ve done a lot of talking trying to convince my daughter into writing as well. She just has a way about her and her writing reflects that. She actually oozes sunshine when she sits down and puts her thoughts to words. So I thought…what the hell…lets give it a go! I’ve had my blog site up for a month waiting for some sort of something from me, but I have been drawing a blank. Any free minute I have, I have found myself staring at the screen wondering, who would remotely be interested in what I had to say? What would I say? If I did say what was really on my mind, would people think I’m losing my shit? UGH too many questions. So I decided that since I went with a “simple” theme, let’s just keep it “simple”, straight forward, no bull shit sort-of reading/writing…..So here it goes…….

Simply put? There has never been anything simple in my life. Why? I’m not sure, but the older I get the more I ask myself this question. WHY do others seem so “at ease” and “all together” and my life always seems in some sort of turmoil or disarray? “Simply” put…..I am still a work in progress. I love with all my heart, yet only let a select few close enough to ever know that. I tell myself that I am a work in progress because its the only real concept I can grasp for this crazy thing I call my life! I haven’t always chosen the right path or the easy path, and I often shy away from change or new things that make me feel out of my element, but the paths of choice have always shown me growth and strength and somewhere down the road, opportunities to be a better person. I am the person I am today because of the paths I’ve chosen, and quite honestly I don’t believe that Id choose any other path if I had the opportunity to. Sure, it would wipe out a lot of very hard times for me but would I be this person if I hadn’t chosen those paths? I doubt it! (And quite honestly, I like me and the person I have become!) Why is it that I tend to take the path less traveled? hmmmm I can’t answer that one either. Maybe because I am the product of Dick and Jane? Yes, that’s right, Dick and Jane. My parents!!! Needless to say, Dick and Jane did not have a dog named spot, nor did they live in a home surrounded by a picket fence, and the stress of being teenage parents didn’t really pan out for them. I’m fairly confident that this is where the so-called “simple” or lack of, came into my world. Simply put again…most days I’m a hot mess. Yes, I am a high functioning hot mess, but a hot mess no less. In the most recent past, I have found myself the happiest I have ever been in my life. Life is simple! Simple is good? isn’t it? Sometimes I am finding that “simple” might just be a mask for underlying “not so simple” or unknown issues or struggles. I can remember back to 3rd grade, probably the first time I can recall things being not so simple for me. Divorced parents and having to leave my elementary school and enter into a school in Helena, where EVERYONE was “normal” or “simple”, except for that one 3rd grader with divorced parents. I learned very quickly that “simple” was probably not something I was going to get real use to. So I paid attention. I watched how all my friends lived who truly had “simple” lives, “simple” parents, and they just got to experience “simple” on an entirely different level. I believe this is most likely when my self image issues started to surface. An issue that I still struggle with to this very day. Not long ago, I remember thinking that the life I live now is “outrageously simple”,( and I say this in the very best light possible!! its something I’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing really and have enjoyed being or feeling normal or simple) I had begun to be completely convinced that people had to hate me for having such a wonderfully simple, extraordinary life. Which brings me to my first blog point….

“Simple–easily understood or done, presenting no difficulty!” HMMMMM now once you know the definition the word doesn’t really have the same sense of meaning. Atleast it doesn’t for me. Simple to me was what I perceived as normal. Which brings me to my next question…what is normal? “Normal—conforming to a standard; usual, typical or expected.” I guess for me, I’ve always confused the two with being synonymous with each other. I believe that we all have perceptions of things that may be somewhat blurred, misread or misunderstood. What has brought me to this place in life most recently is the fact that life is still not simple, but it has been pretty amazing. Its taken me a very long time, actually, almost a lifetime to be ok with the idea that I deserve “simple”, good, amazing things in my life. I have been seeing more and more people struggling with inner demons, depression and dark times and I just wanted to touch on the idea that we all have demons, dark times and yes depression. What seemingly is simple is usually not so simple at all.

As I bring my first writing to a close, I hope that if nothing else…#1 I didn’t bore you to pieces and #2 if you are ever feeling out of sorts, a little down, anxious or blue….its alright. It’s part of the process. Surround yourself with good people and good things will happen…this I am a firm believer in. As I stated early on, I am still a work in progress. I’ve been blessed often along the way, but even today, I am on the path less traveled and wondering “HOW THE HELL DID I FIND MY WAY BACK HERE!” lol But…I’m here, so I will keep digging hoping to find that path MORE traveled and get back to being simply Shelly! (something I will for sure touch on in later writings)

I hope that someone can make a little sense out of these ramblings and hopefully I was able to make someone feel better in knowing that they are not alone. We are all vulnerable and we all have hidden or well kept emotions that we hide from the world. Allow yourself to hurt until you hurt no more…pick yourself up, brush yourself off and ALWAYS remember to tell the people you love how important they are to you !!

I hope that everyone somehow benefits from this mess I now call my blog…and maybe even check back in when I find the nerve to kick out my second edition. lol Make it a great one friends and family! Nothing but love to you all!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton