I’ve always enjoyed writing and in the past I’ve done a lot of talking trying to convince my daughter into writing as well. She just has a way about her and her writing reflects that. She actually oozes sunshine when she sits down and puts her thoughts to words. So I thought…what the hell…lets give it a go! I’ve had my blog site up for a month waiting for some sort of something from me, but I have been drawing a blank. Any free minute I have, I have found myself staring at the screen wondering, who would remotely be interested in what I had to say? What would I say? If I did say what was really on my mind, would people think I’m losing my shit? UGH too many questions. So I decided that since I went with a “simple” theme, let’s just keep it “simple”, straight forward, no bull shit sort-of reading/writing…..So here it goes…….
Simply put? There has never been anything simple in my life. Why? I’m not sure, but the older I get the more I ask myself this question. WHY do others seem so “at ease” and “all together” and my life always seems in some sort of turmoil or disarray? “Simply” put…..I am still a work in progress. I love with all my heart, yet only let a select few close enough to ever know that. I tell myself that I am a work in progress because its the only real concept I can grasp for this crazy thing I call my life! I haven’t always chosen the right path or the easy path, and I often shy away from change or new things that make me feel out of my element, but the paths of choice have always shown me growth and strength and somewhere down the road, opportunities to be a better person. I am the person I am today because of the paths I’ve chosen, and quite honestly I don’t believe that Id choose any other path if I had the opportunity to. Sure, it would wipe out a lot of very hard times for me but would I be this person if I hadn’t chosen those paths? I doubt it! (And quite honestly, I like me and the person I have become!) Why is it that I tend to take the path less traveled? hmmmm I can’t answer that one either. Maybe because I am the product of Dick and Jane? Yes, that’s right, Dick and Jane. My parents!!! Needless to say, Dick and Jane did not have a dog named spot, nor did they live in a home surrounded by a picket fence, and the stress of being teenage parents didn’t really pan out for them. I’m fairly confident that this is where the so-called “simple” or lack of, came into my world. Simply put again…most days I’m a hot mess. Yes, I am a high functioning hot mess, but a hot mess no less. In the most recent past, I have found myself the happiest I have ever been in my life. Life is simple! Simple is good? isn’t it? Sometimes I am finding that “simple” might just be a mask for underlying “not so simple” or unknown issues or struggles. I can remember back to 3rd grade, probably the first time I can recall things being not so simple for me. Divorced parents and having to leave my elementary school and enter into a school in Helena, where EVERYONE was “normal” or “simple”, except for that one 3rd grader with divorced parents. I learned very quickly that “simple” was probably not something I was going to get real use to. So I paid attention. I watched how all my friends lived who truly had “simple” lives, “simple” parents, and they just got to experience “simple” on an entirely different level. I believe this is most likely when my self image issues started to surface. An issue that I still struggle with to this very day. Not long ago, I remember thinking that the life I live now is “outrageously simple”,( and I say this in the very best light possible!! its something I’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing really and have enjoyed being or feeling normal or simple) I had begun to be completely convinced that people had to hate me for having such a wonderfully simple, extraordinary life. Which brings me to my first blog point….
“Simple–easily understood or done, presenting no difficulty!” HMMMMM now once you know the definition the word doesn’t really have the same sense of meaning. Atleast it doesn’t for me. Simple to me was what I perceived as normal. Which brings me to my next question…what is normal? “Normal—conforming to a standard; usual, typical or expected.” I guess for me, I’ve always confused the two with being synonymous with each other. I believe that we all have perceptions of things that may be somewhat blurred, misread or misunderstood. What has brought me to this place in life most recently is the fact that life is still not simple, but it has been pretty amazing. Its taken me a very long time, actually, almost a lifetime to be ok with the idea that I deserve “simple”, good, amazing things in my life. I have been seeing more and more people struggling with inner demons, depression and dark times and I just wanted to touch on the idea that we all have demons, dark times and yes depression. What seemingly is simple is usually not so simple at all.
As I bring my first writing to a close, I hope that if nothing else…#1 I didn’t bore you to pieces and #2 if you are ever feeling out of sorts, a little down, anxious or blue….its alright. It’s part of the process. Surround yourself with good people and good things will happen…this I am a firm believer in. As I stated early on, I am still a work in progress. I’ve been blessed often along the way, but even today, I am on the path less traveled and wondering “HOW THE HELL DID I FIND MY WAY BACK HERE!” lol But…I’m here, so I will keep digging hoping to find that path MORE traveled and get back to being simply Shelly! (something I will for sure touch on in later writings)
I hope that someone can make a little sense out of these ramblings and hopefully I was able to make someone feel better in knowing that they are not alone. We are all vulnerable and we all have hidden or well kept emotions that we hide from the world. Allow yourself to hurt until you hurt no more…pick yourself up, brush yourself off and ALWAYS remember to tell the people you love how important they are to you !!
I hope that everyone somehow benefits from this mess I now call my blog…and maybe even check back in when I find the nerve to kick out my second edition. lol Make it a great one friends and family! Nothing but love to you all!
Simply Shelly 